I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He actually has his life put together though, during the date we walked by a shoppers drugmart where my friend and I once flashed a janitor and all I could wonder was how does he not see shit show written all over me?
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
I got high and had sex with reindeer antlers on. It was magical and animalistic. Tia the season.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Randomize
