How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
I woke up next to a box of cheese bread it was super romantic
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
