I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
