Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
after the first, "yea you like that baby", i quickly remembered why i had stopped having sex with him.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
