complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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