I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
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