bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
the cops drove by and you were on your back in the middle of the side walk with your arms and legs in the air yelling that you were a dead bug .
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
Randomize
