I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Also, beer. Big fan.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
