After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
your house isnt even gonna be on google maps after this party
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
This girl is wasted dancing to The Final Countdown. She's grinding on a guy who came to the bar in a track jacket and a wife beater
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
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