I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
