I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I don't care how much you're grieving a loss, masturbating off the side of a roof is not acceptable mourning behavior.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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