ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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