Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
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