I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
you dipped you banana in queso last night.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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