so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
But the drunk streaking fizzled when one of jake's friends took a piss while running with a massive erection.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
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