I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
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