I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I need a beard to bite.
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