Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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