I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
