Freshman orientation day on campus. Dear diary, JACKPOT.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
