true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
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