You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing
Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Randomize
