Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
My penis needs a shock collar
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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