Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
He couldn't stand on his own, but he managed to somehow to get to the beer garden and get served 3 more. I'm proud to call him my cousin.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
40s are totally the cure
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
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