Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
We should. Taco Bell definitely gives me the shits though.
It's girls night. No shame, just febreeze
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Randomize
