i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
