I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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