ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
Randomize
