It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
This is how scared I get when I ride roller coasters. And how scared I was when I had to poop when I had herpes.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
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