you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
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