...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
just remembered that i started a tab for just myself at 50 cent beer night last night... i dont understand my life
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Randomize
