i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Like seriously, I would not be going if there wasn't pizza
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
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