i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize