You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
bad to tell him im pregnant over fbook chat?
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
Unfortunately i'm awake, hungover, and covered in something I'm pretty sure is Easy Cheese. Send help.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
