Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
it glows. i had to have it.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
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