you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I feel like Jeremy snapchattong while we're fucking is a perfect example of our generation..
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Randomize
