god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
So Ive decided I have serious issues. Im walking around the school with a bag labeled booze money collecting from people while slightly hungover at 8:20 in the morning, and nobody is questioning me.
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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