As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
nothing like a tattoo of a large eagle attacking a small eagle whos attacking a shark to bond to siblings together for life
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Randomize
