I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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