So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Peanut butter while high is kinda stressful
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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