i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I don't work there anymore. If they had Prince themed dildo parties i never would have quit
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
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