Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
ted dressed as a cardinal led an expedition across campus. i felt like one of the 12 apostles.
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Why is there a chocalet milkshake outside our front door?
Alcohol
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
Randomize
