All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I have already put on my inside pants.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
