Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
He is in my tree wearing full on scuba gear ... Get here asap.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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