you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Ohmy god im about to fuxk my TA. i thyought this was a dream but i love you. <3
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Randomize
