Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
