Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
You've gotta make sure the carpets match the drapes, though.
I am not dying my bush blue.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
Randomize
