Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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