I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
