he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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