I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Randomize
