Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Randomize
