I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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