sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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