he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
