i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
I want to fling myself into the sun
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Randomize
