my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
