The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
