i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I changed his contact info to "NO" and a picture of satan
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
Randomize