Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
