when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
