He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
Did my married ex-boyfriend really tell me that he prays for me? Fucking Judas
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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