Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
