Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
