Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I'm gonna take off my shirt and spin it around my head like petey Pablo so u can find us
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
Randomize
