I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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