Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
