fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
