I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I just put on my bra while peeing. I fear this will be my big achievement of the day.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
Randomize
