at 4 in the morning i heated a family sized mac n cheese for a minute and decided to eat it frozen cuz I didn't wanna wait for that long
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
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