How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
Two kids are drinking pounders in class. I think I'm hanging out with the wrong group of friends.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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