2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
She screamed at us, "You guys need to wake up and smell the beer-bong!"
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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