He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Randomize
